For a long time, I knew something needed to change, but I couldn’t really see what came next.

I could picture pieces of it. I knew what I wanted to feel. I knew what I didn’t want to keep feeling. But there was this huge space between knowing that my marriage wasn’t working for me anymore and actually knowing how to move forward.

Lately, something has shifted.

I can finally see the outcome I want.

That doesn’t mean I’m there.

I’m still married. We still live together. I haven’t asked for a divorce. There are still conversations that haven’t happened and decisions that haven’t been made.

I’m still very much in the middle of this.

But for the first time, I feel like I can see the finish line somewhere in the distance.

Now I’m trying to figure out how I eventually get across it.

And strangely enough, thinking about that finish line has made me think less about my marriage and more about me.

Specifically, who am I going to be when I get to the other side of all of this?

One realization keeps coming back to me.

I have never been single in my adult life.

I’ve never really had an adult life that was completely mine.

I’ve never lived through a chapter where I wasn’t someone’s partner or wife. I’ve never had to figure out what adulthood looks like when the decisions I’m making are completely about the life I want to build for myself.

The more I’ve thought about that, the more I’ve realized that I don’t want to rush through that experience.

If and when I get to that chapter, I want to actually experience it.

I don’t want to immediately start thinking about dating or finding another relationship. I don’t want to fill an unfamiliar space simply because being alone feels uncomfortable.

I want to know what it’s like to build a life that’s mine.

I’ve been talking about this with my amazing therapist and, of course, my best friend.

Somewhere during those conversations, an idea started forming.

A list.

Not a list of qualities I want in another person.

Not a list of dating rules.

Not a list of what my next relationship needs to look like.

Actually, it’s pretty much the opposite.

It’s a list of things I want to experience on my own before I even think about getting into another relationship.

And I’ve been working on this list for a few weeks now.

Every time I think I’m finished, I think of something else. Or I have a conversation with my therapist or my best friend and another idea gets added.

Right now, I’m sitting at 29 things.

Twenty-nine.

Which, of course, means I absolutely cannot post the list yet.

I mean, come on. I can’t stop at 29.

So now I’m determined to figure out what #30 needs to be before I finally share the whole thing.

The list has become a combination of things I’ve never done, things that push me outside of my comfort zone, things that sound fun, and things I think I need to experience at least once completely on my own.

Some of them scare me a little.

Some of them I’m genuinely excited about.

Some will probably make me wonder why the hell I ever put them on the list.

But hopefully, all of them will teach me something about myself.

As I’ve worked on the list, I’ve done what I tend to do when something gets stuck in my head.

I’ve researched it.

I’ve looked at lists other people have created about things you should do alone or things everyone should experience while they’re single.

And I realized something I wasn’t expecting.

I’ve already done a lot of them.

There were things people described as these huge milestones of independence that I’ve been doing by myself for years.

I’ve traveled without my husband.

I’ve gone places alone.

I’ve handled responsibilities on my own.

I’ve made difficult decisions.

I’ve figured things out when there wasn’t someone standing beside me telling me what to do.

I’ve built parts of my life independently even while being married.

And I don’t think I’ve ever really given myself credit for that.

Maybe I’m more capable of standing on my own than I’ve allowed myself to believe.

But I also think there’s a difference between being capable of doing things alone and having a life that is actually your own.

That’s the part I haven’t experienced.

And someday, I think I need to.

Not because I’m trying to prove that I don’t need anyone.

I don’t think that’s the point at all.

I want people in my life. I want connection. I want love. And I’m certainly not sitting here saying I’ll never want another relationship.

But before I ever get there, I think I owe myself the opportunity to find out who I am when I’m not defining myself through one.

Who am I when my time is mine?

What do I like when nobody else’s preference gets a vote?

Where do I want to go?

What do I want my home to feel like?

How do I spend a random Saturday when there’s nobody else I need to consider?

What scares me when I’m the only one responsible for figuring it out?

And maybe most importantly, do I actually enjoy my own company?

I want enough time on my own to be able to answer those questions.

Right now, though, I’m not there.

I’m still living this chapter.

I’m still figuring out what comes next and how I get there.

There are conversations I haven’t had yet. There are decisions I still have to make. There are probably things ahead of me that I haven’t even considered.

But there’s something different about being able to see a future for yourself, even when you haven’t reached it yet.

For a long time, so much of my energy went into asking whether I could keep living the life I already had.

Now I’m starting to ask a different question.

What kind of life do I actually want to build?

I don’t have the entire answer yet.

Maybe I’m not supposed to.

But I have 29 ideas.

And I’m pretty sure #30 is out there somewhere.

So before I post the list, I’m giving myself a little more time to find it.

Maybe it’ll come from my therapist. Maybe my best friend will think of it. Maybe I’ll stumble across it completely by accident.

Or maybe one of you will give it to me.

If you had never been single in your adult life and were making a list of things you needed to experience completely on your own, what would have to be on it?

Because apparently, I need just one more.