In one very specific way, I know I’m luckier than some people who find themselves in a situation like mine.

I have opportunities to get space.

I travel a lot for work, and every once in a while, my husband travels for work too. Because of that, there are stretches of time when we aren’t under the same roof. Sometimes we aren’t even in the same state.

I don’t have to ask for that space.

I don’t have to explain why I need it.

I don’t have to create a reason to leave the house or find somewhere else to go.

Work creates that separation for me.

That’s what I mean when I say I’m lucky.

Not that my situation is easier than anyone else’s. Not that being away makes everything disappear. And definitely not that distance somehow fixes what’s happening at home.

It simply means that every once in a while, my circumstances give me something I’ve realized I desperately need right now.

Space.

And lately, I’ve realized just how much those stretches of time mean to me.

It’s not about “out of sight, out of mind.”

I’m not getting on a plane and suddenly forgetting about my marriage or everything I’m trying to work through.

The questions are still there.

The decisions are still there.

My life is still waiting for me when I come home.

But something else happens when we’re apart.

I get moments of peace.

There’s a quiet that comes with being away that I’ve started to appreciate in a completely different way.

I don’t have to think about anyone else’s mood.

I don’t have to wonder what version of the evening I’m walking into.

I don’t have to think about whether something I say will turn into an argument.

I don’t have to decide whether bringing something up is worth it.

I can just exist.

And apparently, I didn’t realize how much I needed that until I started paying attention to how I feel when I have it.

Recently, I was looking at our schedules for October.

Between my work travel and his, there are going to be quite a few days when we won’t be in the same place.

So I started counting.

How many days will we actually be under the same roof?

How many days will we even be in the same state?

I counted once.

Then I counted again.

And I realized that for the first time in a while, we are going to spend more of the month apart than together.

And I smiled.

That smile caught me off guard.

Because I don’t think I was smiling because I wanted to get away from him.

I was smiling because I knew what those days could give me.

Space.

Space to think.

Space to breathe.

Space to continue figuring out who I am without constantly feeling the pull to become the version of myself that keeps the peace.

Space to experience the person I’ve been talking about in these last few posts.

The person I see when I’m with my friends.

The person I see at work.

The person my family is beginning to see more of.

The person who is learning how to thrive instead of simply survive.

Me.

I’ve been realizing lately how important space can be when you’re trying to make sense of your life.

When you’re living inside something every single day, it can be hard to see it clearly.

You’re reacting.

You’re adjusting.

You’re managing.

You’re getting through another day.

Then you step outside of it for a little while and something changes.

You notice what your body feels like when things are quiet.

You notice how you sleep.

You notice your mood.

You notice whether you’re more relaxed.

You notice what you think about when nobody else is influencing the atmosphere around you.

And sometimes you notice things you weren’t looking for at all.

That’s what I’m hoping October gives me.

Not answers.

I’m learning that I can’t force those.

And I’m not expecting a few weeks of travel to magically tell me exactly what I should do or exactly how everything is going to work out.

I’m still married.

We still live together.

There are still conversations that haven’t happened.

There are still decisions I’m working through.

October doesn’t change any of that.

But it does give me something I’ve realized I need more of right now.

Time with myself.

And maybe that’s why I smiled when I counted those days.

There was a time when the thought of spending that much time apart might have made me sad.

Now, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens when I have room to hear my own thoughts.

I want to pay attention to how I feel.

I want to continue becoming comfortable with the person I’m turning into.

I want to see what grows when I’m given a little more room.

Because so much has already changed in ways I never expected.

Almost two years ago, I started a transformation without really knowing that’s what it was.

Over the last few months, I’ve started recognizing it.

And now I’m beginning to trust it.

I don’t know what October will teach me.

Maybe there will be some huge realization.

Maybe there won’t.

Maybe the biggest thing I’ll discover is simply how good it feels to have some peace.

But I’m going into this month differently.

I’m not counting down the days until something ends.

I’m paying attention to what happens when I finally have enough space to hear myself.

And my hope is that this time apart continues to bring me clarity.

That I continue to grow.

That I continue to surprise myself.

And that somewhere in all those days apart, I learn a little more about the life I’m trying to build and the woman I’m becoming.

For the first time in a while, we’ll spend more days apart than together.

And I’m looking forward to seeing who I am at the end of them.