I was watching an episode of Scrubs today.
It was one of those moments where something simple hits harder than it should.
JD said,
“In my personal life, I don’t take any chances either. I want to… I just never seem to take that first step.”
And I felt that in my core.
That has always been my problem.
Not knowing what I want.
But not taking the first step toward it.
I’ve wanted to try new things.
To do things I know I would enjoy.
To build a life that feels different from the one I’ve been living.
And if I’m being completely honest…
I’ve wanted to walk away from a marriage that I know no longer has love in it.
But wanting something and doing something are not the same.
And somehow, I’ve spent years living in that space in between.
When I started really reflecting on my life, something became very clear.
I have spent most of it being who everyone else needed me to be.
A good student.
A caretaker.
A sibling.
And then as an adult—
a mother,
a wife,
an employee.
And somewhere along the way…
I stopped being me.
The things I wanted—my education, my interests, my hobbies, even my basic needs—were always pushed to the side.
Not all at once. Not in some obvious way.
Just little by little.
Until one day, I realized I didn’t even know what I liked anymore.
That realization is harder than I expected.
Because how do you move forward…
when you’re not even sure who you are anymore?
And then there’s the isolation.
The quiet kind.
The kind that builds over time when you’ve spent so long showing up for everyone else that there’s nothing left for yourself.
I’m not close with my family.
And if it wasn’t for one incredible friend, I’m not sure there would be anyone in my life who reaches out first.
That’s hard to say out loud.
But it’s the truth.
So now I’m here, asking myself a question I’ve never really had to answer before:
Who am I… when I’m not being what everyone else needs?
And what do I actually need?
I don’t have the answer yet.
But I think maybe the first step isn’t some big, dramatic decision.
Maybe it’s smaller than that.
Maybe it’s just being honest enough to ask the question.
Because for the first time, I’m not pretending I don’t feel this way.
And maybe… that’s where it starts.
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